Breaking News! John is “off the bike”

There is something that happens within the cycling community that no one else understands.

Thanks to modern technology and Facebook, not only can we know with deadly accuracy what you are doing on a daily basis, but we are now made aware of when you are “off the bike” as the news hits the timeline.

“Off The Bike”

A few weeks ago, several of us were sitting back and pondering this phenomenon that happens when a rider has an injury or life changing experience that brings them “off the bike” for a period of time. Telegraph lines start beeping spreading the word like wild fire. Facebook timelines get filled with “are you ok, I heard you are off the bike”. You almost expect the 6 o’clock news to cover the story as the entire local bike scene is rocked by the news.

Innocent bystanders (non-cycling people) don’t seem to get it. What do you mean you are “off the bike”? It is just a bike…so what?

They don’t get it. They aren’t going to get it either. Our entire existence just got changed in one catastrophic event. What am I going to do on the weekends now? What am I going to talk to my friends about? What about all of the inside jokes I’ll be missing?

Side Effects Of “Off the Bike”

Being off the bike also comes with financial burdens. As we all know, one deadly side effect of being “off the bike” is increased exposure to UGI. Upgradeitus is a dangerous virus that once caught can change your entire quiver in one fell swoop. With this extra “off the bike” time, venerable riders are unable to get the fix which allows the virus to come in and take over the mind and body.

At one point in time, I had heard about an underground cure to UGI that was suppressed by the big three in the biking industry. One can imagine why a cure to UGI would effect the profits of online retailers and big box manufacturers, but I do believe you can still find versions on the black market that are not full strength. These diluted grades can at least keep you to a derailleur or set of brakes at the worst.

“Off the Bike” also increases the susceptibility of loved ones to contract “you are annoying me” syndrome. While this is a common occurrence for cyclists and outsiders alike, the presence of “off the bike” has a positive correlation with “you are annoying me” that doctors have not quite figured out. Do not be surprised if your happy wife is now kicking you out of the house. As you already know, this can increase the negative side effects of “off the bike” as you suddenly find yourself with nothing to do outside of your front door. Panic sets in and UGI gets to its highest as you wonder aimlessly from bike shop to bike shop looking for a fix.

Other side effects include insomnia, depression, unexpected weight gain, decrease in stamina and restlessness. If these side effects last for more than 72 hours, you should consult your local bike shop.

“Off the Bike” is very serious and should be handled appropriately. Even if the medical field and other non-cyclists might play down your new illness, you have to make sure to consult experts in the field until you are able to get back “on the bike”. Symptoms and side effects should being to wear off during mile 1 and being completely out of your system by one Saturday afternoon ride.

Good luck.

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